i love you..

what did you learn today?

that it's okay to love god.

is he real? is he a he? should we capitalize the H in he? does it really matter? who knows. there's no guarantees in this life. and be that as it may, doubts or no doubts, even if you're not sure there's a god.. just believe. it feels good to love Him.

so this entry is for God. please bless me, so that i can believe in you without any doubts. i'm making the effort to pray each night. i hate people trying to convert me to religions and all that stuff. that's stupid. i want to believe in you. i follow some traditions of my religion. that's enough for me.

i believe in god because it feels good to. i was athiest, now i'm not. i wasn't ashamed about it then and i'm not ashamed because i believe... i just... feel good to believe. i can sleep at night not worrying that i might be alone, because i can just believe (but not blindly anymore) that God's watchin over me. yeah.. alanis said it the first time. God is Good.

chillax and reelax. rewind and unwind. good night.

something to feel hope about: things feel good. life feels good. nothing's perfect, but it's okay, i don't really mind even. i feel better about things. i guess part of that is hormones. anywho... here's the latest:

"i'm too picky to have a job"

from the data entry
to the filing
to the jacket that fits too tight
something is too drab

from the people
to the noise
to the shade of blue that clashes with my skin
something is too hectic

from the plates
to the memorized orders
to the mess i always make
something is too difficult

something is always a problem
but the biggest problem of all
is something that is
too sad:
nobody wants
to hire me.

i cry because of how he says it
i cry because of how it makes me feel.
i cry because i'm scared and i hate being afraid
danger! keep away from heat.
keep away from small children
who cannot bear the sadness.

tears: harmful if taken internally.
harmful to reality.

i cry for everyone
i cry for me, but i don't think
ever. but neither does he.

he's turned the other way
so he never sees those tears
so he keeps talking
and his chemical words
burn my eyes, stinging
making them water

chemical tears spill over, again
and i cry because i always do

but it's not the time
or the season, or the day
it's what he said

i cry because i am sad
not because i cry.

sometimes there's things i want to say but i'm not sure i should say them. i don't like the idea of putting down my real thoughts because
(1) someone will read them (which i guess would be the purpose of chronicling your actions/thoughts ONLINE -- a weblog versus ... a mindlog / functioning brain) and..
(2) because people who DO read them will judge them.
and i have no issue with being judged (but fuck the concept, only God can judge me) because it's my life not yours/theirs/whoevers and they can think whatever the hell they want, but i DO have an issue with people feeling like they know me. and they don't. you don't know a person based on a few thoughts they make available. that's just called conversing. okay. bye.

so anyway, i guess the logical question then would be... why are your entries not private then? or even more logical, why are you even using a weblog, you freak. but the answer to those questions is the well-known, answer-all solution: "because i can." but that wouldn't be the whole truth, would it? no... the actuality of it is embedded in the fact that it's NOT just that i can, it's that i can and i choose to because i have (a) free will and (b) the natural inborn desire to be accepted and heard and i have plenty to say. you know, as i write this and i'm explaining to a very loving friend of mine why i don't just save my thoughts in a word file since i want to write privately, i come to realize that... well.. i don't really care if people know what i'm thinking. on the condition that they don't know it's me thinking it. again, am i concerned with being judged? no.. it's that my desire to seek approval is more embedded in approval for my THOUGHTS.. or atleast some sort of consensus for them. it's not for ME. i don't care WHAT you think of me. but this is just... what's on my mind. if you're confused, leave.

i won't leave your kind, prodding soul in curiosity (it killed the cat, could kill you); i'll elaborate with a prime example. if you're not sure whether or not my personal thoughts are valuable reading material for your new york times-bestsellers-list-obsessed mind that's unable to choose its own material, then let me explain something. i won't stand for BS. i wont stand for people reading my shit to judge me. but if you wanna judge me, go ahead. i  just won't stand for it. but just understand there's a line between thought... and character.

fuck.

that word was on my mind. so i said it. judge me, i dare you.